The first time I saw pornography was a few days before I started High School. I was genuinely curious- just wanted to know what boobs looked like, and I was pretty sure the barbie dolls weren’t quite right. That was the first step into a whirlpool that took years to get out of. I tried to stop on my own but instead I just fell further and further.
I remember one time deciding I wanted to be at least 10 days clean for my birthday and conjuring insane amounts of willpower and motivation. I read the scriptures every morning for the first time in my life. I went on runs every day. I kept my Kindle out of my room at all times. I ended up losing the day before my birthday- Halloween. I felt so stupid and so you know what I did? I lost again.
I remember going in for temple recommend interviews with my Bishop, making sure I could pull out a convincing smile. He’d ask me all the basic questions, I had no problems with the ones about faith. Then he’d ask the one that made my heart to stop- “Are there any sins or misdeeds in your life that should have been resolved with priesthood authority but have not been?”
The room would go silent. Time stopped. Every part of me screamed “YES! I’m struggling with pornography and I can’t break free!” Every part of me. . .except my pride. I held on to pride and the lies whispered to me from Hell “You are the only young man in the church stupid enough to look at porn,” “If Bishop finds out about this he will never trust you, he’ll never let you have a calling, he’ll make sure the rest of the youth stay far away from you,” “You dont need his help. You can stop on your own.” So I would lie.
“No”
He would smile and proceed with the interview.
I wish I’d have involved a Bishop sooner. Maybe I could have broke these chains at a younger age. maybe I could have got my parents involved sooner and had more help at home.
The first time I did tell a Bishop was right at the beginning of COVID, back when we still called it the Wuhan Corona Virus and it was just a problem in China. I had just moved from Boise, Idaho to Tooele, Utah. My mom got a text saying that Bishop wanted to get to know me and had set up a interview later in the week. In that moment I knew this was my chance. Now was the time.
I grabbed a ‘For the Strength of Youth Pamphlet’ and opened to the ‘Entertainment and Media’ section. I highlighted a sentence about pornography.
I remember Bishop asking a normal question like “How are you?” and I just fell apart crying and held this page open and slid it across his desk. Boom- finally. Somebody else knew. I don’t remember much of what Bishop said or which scriptures we read together that night. But I do remember having a sure knowledge that I had finally actually stepped onto a path that led to recovery.
At the end of Junior year I was approached by one of the leaders in my stake presidency and asked if I would be willing to serve as a member of my High School’s Seminary council. I accepted and he set me apart just a few minutes later. I had no idea what to expect- I didn’t even know we HAD a seminary council. The first meeting was a week later- I walked into the seminary building mega nervous but then the rest of the council came in- a ton of kids just like me. 7 other guys and 4 girls. I recognized a few but if you asked me their names I maybe could have got 3 or 4. These kids became my best friends real quick.
One of the boys invited me to come to a group he called “Sons of Helaman” after one of our first group meetings. I must’ve missed the part where he said it was a pornography recovery meeting…or he just neglected to tell me that part because I did not walk in expecting to get a lesson about pornography recovery or to hear a ton of guys OPENLY talk about their personal struggles and victories in the war with porn. I was shocked. So shocked I said my dad was waiting outside to pick me up- he wasn’t. However, he did pull up a few minutes later and when I got in the car, I told him. I finally told my dad about my struggles with pornography. I guess those boys from that first group meeting inspired me. Pretty sure the first thing he said was along the lines of “Do you wanna tell mom? or should I? Or would you rather wait for her to know?” I told Mom myself a few weeks later.
That group was a catalyst for my recovery. They taught me tools that helped me finally get a strong fire burning and helped me to add wood the fire of recovery every day.
Junior year ended and summer started. I went up to Bear Lake to work at my great-uncle’s Pizza restaurant. I lived by myself in his camper behind the restaurant. Every morning I texted my brothers in the battle from that group. I prioritized reading the scriptures. I found ways to serve. I went on runs and did tons of pushups. I hit 2 weeks clean for the first time since I had first seen porn. That was a huge deal- I felt real REAL hope. Of course, I had believed recovery was possible- but now I had evidence! School started and my streaks kept growing- another 14, 25, 31, 38, then….an incredible 124. 124 days!
I remember the day I lost my 124 and went back to zero. I remember sitting there staring at my phone in unbelief-
“What just happened…?”
I felt so dumb. All of Satan’s lies hit at once- “You ARE dumb. The problem is you. You will never be free. Do not tell anybody about this. You really are delusional- you thought you could break free??” Then I got a text from my elder’s quorum president- he hadn’t ever texted me before.
“Hello Caleb, This is President McEachern. There is a brother in the ward who has asked for a priesthood blessing and as you were just ordained an Elder I would love for you to come with me. Are you free this afternoon?”
I was crushed. I knew I wasn’t worthy. It felt like God was punishing me. Literal moments after I had viewed porn He prompted President McEachern to ask ME to help in a priesthood ordinance. I started typing out a response and felt tears start welling up.
I ended up telling him exactly what had just happened. After fighting the demons off for 124 bright awesome days. . .I had just fallen into temptation. I didn’t receive a response for about 10 minutes. He said “Bishop and I talked through it and we both feel inspired that you should join me”
I threw my Sunday clothes on and President picked me up a few minutes later. The blessing went great. Afterwards we sat in President’s car and he said “You know- I’ve raised plenty of my own boys. This isn’t a new struggle. You’re doing a great job, Caleb.” I know we sat in his car for a long time. I remember him reading scriptures to me and testifying of the power of the priesthood. I remember realizing God wasn’t trying to make me feel awful or punish me by providing that opportunity right after I lost. Instead, He was saying “Caleb, I’m here for you.” He provided wisdom and peace through one of his servants and gave me a safe spot to talk.
I know that God is aware of all of our battles. He places people and opportunities, responsibilities and experiences in our lives to lead us to Him. I know that I am on the right path and I know recovery is possible! It doesn’t matter if you’re on day 14, day 124, or even day 0- you can win. You can get the fire of recovery burning. You really can break free.
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