Levi613

Keep the Fire Burning

  • Broken Prayers

    One of the most incredible prayers I have heard in my life was from a close friend named Sana. She had not prayed in a very long time and me and my missionary companion, Elder Lewis, had been visiting her family for a while. Up to this point, we had always said the prayers for our lessons but today it was her turn. I remember kneeling with her family and instantly having tears in my eyes as she began:

    “Father, I don’t know how to pray. . .but I know you listen. . . and, I am not the right kind of person to pray, but I will try. . .”

    She was so genuine and humble. It felt like God was there with us listening to every word she muttered. This prayer was different than those that Elder Lewis and I had said over food that day. It was different than opening prayers said at church. It was not passive, it was not habit. This was a real conversation with the Creator of the Universe. This was a mother pleading for divine help for her family to follow Jesus Christ.

    I learned a few lessons on prayer that night. First, knowing how to pray is much more valuable than I ever thought. What a special gift it is to know how to speak to God! Second, true power in prayer does not come from elegant or elevated language, it comes from intentions, feelings, and faith.

    The most powerful prayers I have ever had have always came from a time in my life where something was broken. Whether I had a Broken wrist, had been Broken up with, or I had just Broke my winning streak of sobriety, or whatever other kind of Broke was going on, these “broke” times provided special opportunities to rely on God.

    My mission president for the first year of my mission, President Smith, would meet with every missionary 1 on 1 every 6 weeks. As part of these interviews, he would usually give us a priesthood blessing or pray for us. When I was a new ASL Elder, I was feeling pretty broke. My right wrist was literally broken, I felt hopeless when it came to learning the language, both my companions seemed so far ahead of me so I would often blame myself and feel inadequate. So when my turn came to have a interview with president Smith I was really hoping for a blessing from him. I thought if I could get a blessing from President Smith, many of my problems would go away.

    Instead, he knelt down and asked me to pray for my area, friends, and my companions. . . in ASL. With a little bit of disappointment I joined him on the floor, closed my eyes, and lifted my hands to begin signing a prayer.

    I don’t really remember what I said (signed) but I do remember feeling confident and capable for the first time in a while. The prayer came to my hands naturally and easier than usual. I knew that God was receiving my prayer and that He would help me. President Smith didn’t know any ASL at all, so I was surprised when I opened my eyes and saw him crying. He had been watching me the whole time and had been just as affected as I had.

    After a unexpected breakup in January, I decided I really did not want to get depressed. I still did. Prayers during these weeks were mostly just me crying. I was angry, scared, confused, and broken.

    But the point is: I wanted to go through the breakup “disciple-style.” I spent a hour in the scriptures every day for those first few (awful) weeks, ran 5 miles every day, and I knew I needed new hobbies. After careful (and broken) prayer, the spirit clearly told me to text my buddy, Mason, and go get a guitar.

    Turns out, Mason had recently been through a similar experience. We went to a few pawn shops and found a perfect guitar for a surprisingly cheap price. Since then, Mason has been my “Guitar-Mentor”. Last week, I sent him a very beginner recording of me playing “I Need Thee Every Hour” Its obvious that I haven’t been playing for very long…

    I don’t know what I was expecting, but I was surprised when Mason said:

    “I almost got a little emotional listening to it, especially with the few mistakes. It felt like a broken prayer that someone was attempting. Thank you for sending me that dude”

    I know what it’s like to offer a broken prayer. Just like Mason still loved and appreciated my attempt at “I Need Thee Every Hour,” God loves and appreciates our broken prayers. Those times when the words don’t flow and perhaps more tears come out then words.

    Prayers like

    “I remembered God and was troubled: I complained and my spirit was overwhelmed. . . I am so troubled that I cannot speak. . . I commune with my own heart; and my spirit made diligent search”

    -Psalm 77

    “For my days are consumed like smoke, and my bones are burned as an hearth. My heart is smitten, and withered like grass; so that I forget to eat my bread”

    -Psalm 102

    God wants to hear our broken prayers. Prayers that come from a broken heart, full of real intention, feeling, and faith mean more than prayers of habit ever will. Its ok to approach God from a broken place. It is only through His plan and His son that we can ever truly overcome the broken things in life.

  • Replacing

    A few weeks ago I sat in a office on the top floor of the Ricks building at BYU- Idaho. Normally a Psychology professor of some kind uses that office. The walls were entirely hidden by books. Across from me sat a Bishop whom I had never met before. This office normally wasn’t his. Just a hour before, he had texted me asking if we could meet. I was already dressed up nice so I headed over. While we were getting started I noticed a Bhagavad Gita in Hindi! That was pretty cool.

    I started by telling Bishop about myself and my goals and ambitions along with trials I was currently experiencing. Then I let him know about my history with pornography. Every time I tell a new priesthood leader about Pornography, I remember the very first time I ever told a bishop and how scared and anxious I was. The words flow a lot easier now. I told Bishop I was set on breaking my record of 124 days this year. He invited me to do one thing:

    “I’d suggest you ask Heavenly Father in prayer to keep teaching you where to look for and how to continue acquiring spiritual power, where and how to recognize spiritual power in your covenants and what He can teach you about shaping your desires.”

    That was a lot.

    Since then I have thought and prayed a lot about spiritual power. I’m still learning a lot and I’m realizing maybe I don’t actually know that much about it. One thing I do know is that the Book of Mormon is the most easily accessible and powerful source of spiritual power I have right now. Since January 2nd I have doubled my scripture study and there have been massive noticeable blessings.

    Most recently, I read Alma 50. Here is a text I sent to one of my recovery group chats:

    “Moroni is fortifying the land right now and bringing in the Golden Age of the Nephites. He’s making legendary fortifications that lead to battles where not a single Nephite is killed. The weakest cities become the strongest.

    In these verses a very instructive pattern is set in the East Wilderness.
    Moroni sends a army to go drive out any Lamanites. After they are driven out, he sends in Nephites to inhabit the East Wilderness.

    This is exactly why both pieces of the N goal are so vital. No and New.

    Whatever Lamanites are still living in our East Wilderness we must remove for our own safety
    (Scrolling social media, unhealthy diet, sleeping in/staying up late, video games……whatever it is for you)

    After we drive them out we must replace them with Nephites, something that is righteous, obedient, and healthy (music, excercise, books, passion projects, skills and hobbies…. whatever you come up with through pray and revelation)

    Moroni saw a potential danger in the East Wilderness and before it could ever become more than that he set a No goal:
    No Lamanites in the East Wilderness
    Then he acted.
    Then he set a New Goal:
    Nephites will live there and guard that area.
    Then he acted.”

    The start of this year was honestly really hard for me. A lot of drastic life changes happened. So, I sat down and set some goals.

    No- No sleeping in past 7. No skipping meals. No social media in bedroom. No staying up past 11 unless I’m with friends.

    New- Wake up at 4:30 every morning to go to the gym with Connor

    Practice Guitar (I’ve never played guitar in my life) for 30 minutes ever day

    Read a book that helps me become better for 30 minutes every day

    When friends ask me to do something with them, respond in a “sure, why not” attitude.

    As I have kept these goals, its been easier to cut out the “Lamanites” in my life and replace them with Nephites. This is one way we can receive more spiritual power as well. Find the Lamanites and cut them out. Replace them with Nephites.

  • How to Start a Fire

    The first time I saw pornography was a few days before I started High School. I was genuinely curious- just wanted to know what boobs looked like, and I was pretty sure the barbie dolls weren’t quite right. That was the first step into a whirlpool that took years to get out of. I tried to stop on my own but instead I just fell further and further.

    I remember one time deciding I wanted to be at least 10 days clean for my birthday and conjuring insane amounts of willpower and motivation. I read the scriptures every morning for the first time in my life. I went on runs every day. I kept my Kindle out of my room at all times. I ended up losing the day before my birthday- Halloween. I felt so stupid and so you know what I did? I lost again.

    I remember going in for temple recommend interviews with my Bishop, making sure I could pull out a convincing smile. He’d ask me all the basic questions, I had no problems with the ones about faith. Then he’d ask the one that made my heart to stop- “Are there any sins or misdeeds in your life that should have been resolved with priesthood authority but have not been?”

    The room would go silent. Time stopped. Every part of me screamed “YES! I’m struggling with pornography and I can’t break free!” Every part of me. . .except my pride. I held on to pride and the lies whispered to me from Hell “You are the only young man in the church stupid enough to look at porn,” “If Bishop finds out about this he will never trust you, he’ll never let you have a calling, he’ll make sure the rest of the youth stay far away from you,” “You dont need his help. You can stop on your own.” So I would lie.

    “No”

    He would smile and proceed with the interview.

    I wish I’d have involved a Bishop sooner. Maybe I could have broke these chains at a younger age. maybe I could have got my parents involved sooner and had more help at home.

    The first time I did tell a Bishop was right at the beginning of COVID, back when we still called it the Wuhan Corona Virus and it was just a problem in China. I had just moved from Boise, Idaho to Tooele, Utah. My mom got a text saying that Bishop wanted to get to know me and had set up a interview later in the week. In that moment I knew this was my chance. Now was the time.

    I grabbed a ‘For the Strength of Youth Pamphlet’ and opened to the ‘Entertainment and Media’ section. I highlighted a sentence about pornography.

    I remember Bishop asking a normal question like “How are you?” and I just fell apart crying and held this page open and slid it across his desk. Boom- finally. Somebody else knew. I don’t remember much of what Bishop said or which scriptures we read together that night. But I do remember having a sure knowledge that I had finally actually stepped onto a path that led to recovery.

    At the end of Junior year I was approached by one of the leaders in my stake presidency and asked if I would be willing to serve as a member of my High School’s Seminary council. I accepted and he set me apart just a few minutes later. I had no idea what to expect- I didn’t even know we HAD a seminary council. The first meeting was a week later- I walked into the seminary building mega nervous but then the rest of the council came in- a ton of kids just like me. 7 other guys and 4 girls. I recognized a few but if you asked me their names I maybe could have got 3 or 4. These kids became my best friends real quick.

    One of the boys invited me to come to a group he called “Sons of Helaman” after one of our first group meetings. I must’ve missed the part where he said it was a pornography recovery meeting…or he just neglected to tell me that part because I did not walk in expecting to get a lesson about pornography recovery or to hear a ton of guys OPENLY talk about their personal struggles and victories in the war with porn. I was shocked. So shocked I said my dad was waiting outside to pick me up- he wasn’t. However, he did pull up a few minutes later and when I got in the car, I told him. I finally told my dad about my struggles with pornography. I guess those boys from that first group meeting inspired me. Pretty sure the first thing he said was along the lines of “Do you wanna tell mom? or should I? Or would you rather wait for her to know?” I told Mom myself a few weeks later.

    That group was a catalyst for my recovery. They taught me tools that helped me finally get a strong fire burning and helped me to add wood the fire of recovery every day.

    Junior year ended and summer started. I went up to Bear Lake to work at my great-uncle’s Pizza restaurant. I lived by myself in his camper behind the restaurant. Every morning I texted my brothers in the battle from that group. I prioritized reading the scriptures. I found ways to serve. I went on runs and did tons of pushups. I hit 2 weeks clean for the first time since I had first seen porn. That was a huge deal- I felt real REAL hope. Of course, I had believed recovery was possible- but now I had evidence! School started and my streaks kept growing- another 14, 25, 31, 38, then….an incredible 124. 124 days!

    I remember the day I lost my 124 and went back to zero. I remember sitting there staring at my phone in unbelief-

    “What just happened…?”

    I felt so dumb. All of Satan’s lies hit at once- “You ARE dumb. The problem is you. You will never be free. Do not tell anybody about this. You really are delusional- you thought you could break free??” Then I got a text from my elder’s quorum president- he hadn’t ever texted me before.

    “Hello Caleb, This is President McEachern. There is a brother in the ward who has asked for a priesthood blessing and as you were just ordained an Elder I would love for you to come with me. Are you free this afternoon?”

    I was crushed. I knew I wasn’t worthy. It felt like God was punishing me. Literal moments after I had viewed porn He prompted President McEachern to ask ME to help in a priesthood ordinance. I started typing out a response and felt tears start welling up.

    I ended up telling him exactly what had just happened. After fighting the demons off for 124 bright awesome days. . .I had just fallen into temptation. I didn’t receive a response for about 10 minutes. He said “Bishop and I talked through it and we both feel inspired that you should join me”

    I threw my Sunday clothes on and President picked me up a few minutes later. The blessing went great. Afterwards we sat in President’s car and he said “You know- I’ve raised plenty of my own boys. This isn’t a new struggle. You’re doing a great job, Caleb.” I know we sat in his car for a long time. I remember him reading scriptures to me and testifying of the power of the priesthood. I remember realizing God wasn’t trying to make me feel awful or punish me by providing that opportunity right after I lost. Instead, He was saying “Caleb, I’m here for you.” He provided wisdom and peace through one of his servants and gave me a safe spot to talk.

    I know that God is aware of all of our battles. He places people and opportunities, responsibilities and experiences in our lives to lead us to Him. I know that I am on the right path and I know recovery is possible! It doesn’t matter if you’re on day 14, day 124, or even day 0- you can win. You can get the fire of recovery burning. You really can break free.

  • A Cool Talk I Gave Today

    Good Morning brothers and sisters, My name is Caleb Owens. I grew up in Boise, Idaho then right before COVID, my family moved to Tooele, Utah. I served my mission in the California Bay Area speaking Hindi and American Sign Language– it’s a long complicated story. This is my first semester at college. I’m studying psychology with hopes of working in an addiction-recovery related job. I love doing drywall, working out, driving fast, and going on spontaneous adventures.

    Brothers and sisters, I have felt prompted to focus my talk on a topic that I’m sure we all have had experiences with in one unfortunate way or another. It’s something that we don’t like to talk about. However, it needs to be talked about more. It’s something that has strongly impacted my life and brought me to some of my darkest moments. I want to talk about recovering from pornography.

    In the world we now live in, we no longer get to live a life where porn isn’t involved in some way. Maybe it’s you, a close friend, a significant other, or a family member. Not to be too harsh, but if it hasn’t happened to you yet, I can guarantee it will. Pornography will affect you or somebody you love.

    Satan has been learning how to tempt and trick and lie for over 7000 years. Meanwhile, most of us have only been learning for 18 to 27 years or so. We’ve all heard the not-so-funny-because-it’s-actually-true joke: “90% of men struggle with porn, the other 10% are lying.” Right from the start, it seems like the battle against sin and porn is lost.

    However, I would like to share 3 scriptural principles that have helped me in my personal battle. I ask that you open your mind and allow yourself to feel hope. If you have been keeping this a secret for as long as you can remember, consider this a message from God and let today be a starting point. 

    First, Psalm 119:9 “ Wherewithal shall a young man [or woman] cleanse [their] way? By taking heed thereto according to thy word.”

    How do we “cleanse” our way? By heeding the word of God. Brothers and sisters, I know this is true. There is power in the scriptures, especially the Book of Mormon. I have found as I read the book of Mormon power comes into my life. President Nelson said “I promise that as you daily immerse yourself in the Book of Mormon, you can be immunized against the evils of the day, even the gripping plague of pornography and other mind-numbing addictions.” This promise is true! I know it is true! When I read the Book of Mormon, every part of my life is better. In order to get the full effect from Psalm 119:9, we must HEED the word of God. This implies action, change, application of what we are learning from God’s word. Not simply reading a few verses so we can ‘check the box.’

    One of my favorite stories ever displays what it means to HEED the word of God and not just read it. This is a story Hugh B Brown once told, I will be using a recounting from Elder Robert E Wells. I once heard President Hugh B. Brown relate this inspiring story: Sometime ago a great actor in the city of New York gave a wonderful performance in a large theatre, at the close of which there were rounds of applause. He was called back again and again. Finally someone called to him, “Would you do for us the Twenty-third Psalm?”

    “Why, yes. I know the Twenty-third Psalm.”

    He recited it as an actor would, perfectly, with nothing left to be desired as far as a performance was concerned. When he was finished, again there was thunderous applause. Then the actor came to the front of the stage and said: “Ladies and gentlemen, there is an old man sitting here on the front row whom I happen to know. I am going to ask him without any notice if he will come and repeat the Twenty-third Psalm.”

    The elderly gentleman, of course, was frightened. Trembling, he came to the stage. Fearfully he looked out over the vast audience. Then, as though he were at home only with one, he closed his eyes against the audience, bowed his head, and talked to God, and said:

    “The Lord is my shepherd: I shall not want.

    “He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

    “He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.”

    “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

    “Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil: my cup runneth over.

    “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.” 

    When the old man finished, there was no applause, but there was not a dry eye in that house. The actor came to the front of the stage. He, too, was wiping his eyes. And he said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I know the words of the Twenty-third Psalm, but this man knows the Shepherd.”

    This man knows the shepherd. Brothers and sisters, when we read the scriptures our goal must be to know the shepherd. I promise that as we do so, as promised by our previous prophet, we will be able to be “immunized against the evils of the day including the gripping plague of pornography.”

    Now that we’ve established how important the Book of Mormon is, let’s go there, Alma 43:48. “And it came to pass that when the men of Moroni saw the fierceness and the anger of the Lamanites, they were about to shrink and flee from them. And Moroni, perceiving their intent, sent forth and inspired their hearts with these thoughts—yea, the thoughts of their lands, their liberty, yea, their freedom from bondage.” 

    This verse prompts a question I would invite all of you to ask yourself every day:

    “Why do you fight?”

    This army was about to retreat. They were about to give up. And all Moroni had to do was remind them of why they were there– why they were fighting. When they remembered these reasons they completely changed. Filled with “warrior chemistry” they absolutely dominated this battle and became legendary.

    When we know why we are fighting, do you think Satan’s voice is gonna have any success at all? If you have an image of yourself in the temple being sealed to your spouse, or see yourself as a future missionary, or create a mental image of yourself being worthy and spiritually clean– do you think you’ll listen to Satan’s lies? So I ask you again, why do you fight? Why don’t you just give up?

    I’d like to share why I fight: I fight to be living evidence that the atonement of Jesus Christ works. I fight to be proof that through the power of Jesus Christ, anybody can overcome pornography. I fight to be a valiant-covenant keeper. I fight to be a life-long disciple. I fight for my family, especially my future wife. I want her to trust me completely and know that I will always be there to protect her and provide worthy priesthood power in our home. I fight because I love God and His son.

    Do you feel that? You can foster this feeling yourself. Just ask yourself “why do you fight?” let your reasons become a part of every morning. Let them become a part of who you are and I promise you will find strength and the lies of the devil will grow quieter and easier to ignore.

    My final scripture is Lamentations 3:23. “They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness” Short and sweet, but perhaps one of the deepest verses in the bible. What does it mean to be “new every morning?”  To me, it means if you messed up yesterday, today is a new day. It means that because of Jesus Christ– if we choose to– we can be new every single morning. It means that our past doesn’t control who we are today or who we are tomorrow. 

    There was a time when I thought I was garbage (see the image). I believed I would never be able to go a week without messing up and giving in to Satan’s lies. I thought I would never serve a mission. I thought I’d never be married. I was set on keeping my pornography addiction a secret till the day I died. 

    Obviously, something changed. Something became “new.” When I finally made that choice to tell my bishop, I felt hope for the first time in years. For a brief second I saw light at the end of the tunnel and a potential future where I was happy and free. That day I became new. After years of fighting and losing and winning and learning, I stand before you as a completely different person than I was. I am new. I love my savior Jesus Christ. I testify that this “newness” is possible and only possible because of Him. I know that we can be new every morning. Forget about all those dumb things you did yesterday– today is a new day. Brothers and Sisters, now is the time to get control of your life. Now is the time to heed the word of God and know the Shepherd. Now is the time to remember why you fight and let your reasons become a part of you. Now is the time to choose to be new every morning. 

    In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

  • That One Time I had Leprosy

    There was a time when I was honestly more ashamed of my acne than my porn- addiction. I could talk to people about my recovery journey and all that, but if I had more acne than usual I didn’t want people to see me. The funny thing about Pornography and Acne is that basically all the teenagers I know have struggled with both. Actually, that’s not very funny.
    Anyways. One time on the mission I had this one acne spot in particular that would not go away and just kept growing. It got so bad I literally tried to convince my comp we should stay home. We went out anyways and during every lesson we taught, somebody made a comment on the guy on my forehead. Guys, it was so bad.

    “Elder Owens, seriously, what happened to your face?” –Yuvraj the 9 year old asked

    “Elder, in Fiji we put turmeric on those, I can send you home with some” –Brother Singh (who has bad eyesight but still noticed)

    “That thing looks like its ready to blow, would you like a band-aid?” –some dude

    Of course the only band-aids I had were space themed and only drew more attention to my face.

    Sidenote– I’m super grateful for my comp and other missionaries who were like brothers to me. They already knew me and this giant chunk on my face didn’t change what they thought about me lol. They loved me and laughed with me and found the whole thing entertaining rather than gross. Friends like that are the best. (especially when it comes to addiction-recovery)

    So- what’s the purpose of sharing this?

    I thought it would be a fun way to introduce the topic of “Leprosy.”

    Leprosy is this awful disease where your skin starts falling off– way worse than what is going on in the above pictures. Lepers were cast out of societies and basically left to die. When I read about lepers, I think of Pornography addiction.

    • The skin falls off of lepers, addicts lose sense of who they are. It feels like their true self falls off.
    • Lepers are left to die, addicts have all experienced the thought “I will bring this secret to the grave”
    • Lepers are removed from society, People with pornography addictions remove themselves from society by isolating themselves and losing connection with loved ones.
    • The skin of lepers rots away, pornography rots away our heart, mind, and eyes

    See what I’m say’n?

    Lucky for me, my forehead didn’t fall off my face and people didn’t kick me out of town. Here’s the good news:

    Leviticus 14: 4-7

    “4 Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean, and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop:

    5 And the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water:

    6 As for the living bird, he shall take it, and the cedar wood, and the scarlet, and the hyssop, and shall dip them and the living bird in the blood of the bird that was killed over the running water:

    7 And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean, and shall let the living bird loose into the open field.”

    This is how God instructed priests to cleanse lepers way back in tabernacle-time. I hope you notice the two birds, that’s what I wanna focus on. Two birds that are alive and clean. One of them is killed. the other bird is dipped into the blood of the bird that was killed. That bird is then let “loose into the open field.”

    Consider this verse too:

    Mosiah 3:11

    “For behold, and also His blood atoneth for the sins of those who have fallen by the transgression of Adam. . .”

    That bird from like 3,500 years ago was symbolic of that principle in Mosiah. The blood of Jesus Christ atones for our sins. When we “apply the atoning blood of Christ” (Mosiah 4:2) we are then empowered to be like the other bird- we can literally fly away.

    I think a bird flying is the epitome of “freedom.” What is more free than a bird flying? As somebody who has experienced genuine repentance and the process of changing my life to become a disciple of Jesus Christ, I can say it really does feel like “flying.” Jesus choose to willingly be the first bird and die for all of us SO THAT WE CAN FLY FREE.

    So, whether you’re struggling with acne or porn or whatever, Jesus is for you. Remember the legend of the “Leviticus Birds” and remember which bird you are. You don’t have to be a leper. You can literally be free.

    Keep the fire burning.

  • “Why’s” Win Wars- Gideon’s Journey

    I’ve got a younger brother named Gideon. “Gideon” means “Great Destoyer.” What a epic name. I love watching my brother introduce himself to people, sometimes he’ll add that his name means “Great Destroyer” and its fantastic seeing a little 7 year old explain that to an adult.

    Gideon in Judges has a nickname. Out of all the “Nicknames” in scripture, I think Gideon has the coolest. It’s not a slight change in sound like Abraham to Abram or Saul to Paul. No, its an entirely different name with a totally different meaning- Jerubaal. It means “Let Baal plead for himself.”

    Who was Gideon? Why was Jerubaal a good nickname for him? Was he a “Great Destroyer?”

    After Joshua and Moses led Israel to the promised land, Israel’s mission changed. For the past 40 years the focus was getting a prepared people to the land promised to them by God. Now they were actually there and the mission became to conquer as much of that land as they could. Instead of having prophets that led a trek, God started calling “Judges” Amazing men and at least 1 women who were given legendary strength and leadership skills.

    In Gideon’s time, Israel was in bondage to the Midianites. One day, Gideon is threshing some wheat when an angel visits him. There are 3 important things in the angel’s message to Gideon.

    #1 “You are a mighty man of valor” (Judges 6:12)

    #2 “You will save Israel” (6:14)

    #3 “Surely I will be with thee” (6:16)

    Gideon is reminded of his identity, God-given mission/purpose, then he is given a promise that God will be with him.

    So what does Gideon do with this knowledge? He acts. The first instruction he receives is to “throw down the altar of Baal” and replace it with a real altar to the real God. (6:25-26) He waits until its dark outside, grabs 10 of his buddies and they smash it.

    When the people wake up and see what happened they get upset to the point that when they figure out Gideon did it- they wanna kill him. (6:30) This is where he gets his nickname.

    “And Joash (Gideon’s father) said unto all that stood agaisnt him, Will ye plead for Baal? will ye save him?. . .if he be a god, let him plead for himself. . .

    Therefore on that day he called [Gideon] Jerubaal, saying, Let Baal plead against him, because he hath thrown down his altar” (6:31-32)

    Gideon became a symbol to all the people that Baal was a false God with zero power. He was a reminder to the people to focus on the true God.

    On Gideon’s resume, after “threw down the altar of the false God baal” you would see “led army of 300 against an army of 135,000 and won.” The plan was simple. It was also crazy according to worldly logic- Split the men into groups of 100, surround the enemy camp, yell “The sword of the lord and of Gideon” throw some lamps and blow some trumpets. Gideon trusted God and acted in faith. Because of following this plan, Israel was freed from bondage.

    Gideon started out as a little guy who felt like he was the “least in his fathers house” (6:15) but by following God and being perfectly obedient he became a legend, a leader, and one of God’s judges. I believe he was able to do all he did because somewhere in his journey he started to fully believe those 3 things God told him through an angel.

    I am a mighty man of valor, God has a work for me to do, and surely God will be with me.

    Those became his “Why.” That’s what got him out of bed. That’s why he kept going. Strong “whys” are the most powerful source of motivation. “Whys” win wars. If your “Whys” become a part of who you are then you become unstoppable.

    Find altars in your life that aren’t focused on the real God and throw them down. Replace them with altars to the true God. Then live like Jerubaal and be evidence that God is real and that He keeps his promises.

    Do you believe you are a mighty man/woman of valor? If not, then ask God who you are. Listen. Then live like you are a mighty child of God.

    Do you know what your divine mission is? I’m sure its different than Gideon’s. You can learn what God’s will for you is in many ways- for me it involved receiving my patriarchal blessing, serving a faithful mission, and being in the temple often.

    God is with you. It’s a promise he makes regularly in scripture and you can trust it.

    Keep the fire burning.

  • My own Proverbs 30

    There are three things that make my heart rejoice; yeah, even four¹; the song of the birds in the early hours of the morning. The glowing of the stars at the end of every day². The fresh green of the mountains that marks Spring. The promise of divine forgiveness, new life each day.³

    There are three things that declare God lives; yeah, even four; the sun in its constant motion⁴- each setting and each rising, a image that will never cease to amaze. A newly born soul with an empty knowledge yet a full beauty.  The humble testimony of the boy prophet Joseph, “I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head.⁵” The sacrament of the Lord’s Supper, the water and bread; as I partake my heart shouts: “O Lord my God, Thou hast healed me⁶.”

    There are three things that cause my heart to weep; yeah, even four; the plague of disregard for the future of ones body- my bowels utter: “this is not food and yet it is eaten!”⁷
    The fulfillment of the generation prophesied by Agur⁸; A generation “pure in their own eyes” yet stained in the Lord’s.
    The plague of Pornography, the minds laden with filth. Truly, ⁹men’s hearts have failed them.
    My own sin. My feet have faltered from the path. My lack of understanding has led me far from you. My soul declares: “I am a imperfect sinner, tragically flawed¹⁰ and seperated from God”

    There are three things that are light; yeah, even four; The fire¹¹ of Motivation to become more that burns in the heart of a wholehearted¹² man; this lights the path to tomorrow.
    Words heavy with wisdom that shine on choice and thought.
    Scriptures and words of the prophet that illuminate the way to the savior.
    Words and acts of pure radiant love; brighter shines the love of the Son, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends¹³”
    “For with thee is the fountain of life, and in thy light shall we see light.¹⁴”

    1- Proverb 30 uses this pattern of stating there will be a list of three things followed by a shift revealing there will actually be four. Usually the fourth is the climax of the list.
    2- Psalm 8:3-4, Psalm 19:1
    3- Lamentations 3:23
    4- psalm 19:4-6, psalm 50:1, psalm 113:3
    5-you already know lol- JSH 1:16
    6- psalm 30:2
    7- “Burying our Weapons of Rebellion” Elder Christofferson October 2024.
           “We can do Better and be Better” President Nelson April 2019
    8-Agur, the author of Proverb 30. Generation referenced in verses 11-14
    9-Docterine and Covenants 45:26
    10- President Benjamin Larson of the California San Jose Mission often said “We are all tragically flawed sinful hot messes”
    11- Leviticus 6:13
    12- Brene Brown’s definition of “Wholehearted.” The Hebrew word from which the name “Caleb” originates from means “Wholehearted” (כָּלֵב)
    13-John 15:13
    14- Psalm 36:9

  • Flour, Birds, and Lambs

    On December 6th of 2022, I was serving my mission in the Bay Area of California. I woke up and grabbed all my suitcases and wrapped up my bedding and stuffed it into a laundry basket. I had already checked to make sure I had everything plenty of times in the past few days, but I still walked around the apartment 1 more time. Then, we got in the car and drove from Pleasanton to Fremont. I said bye to the elder I’d been serving with for the past month and was met by a new Elder who I had never seen before.

    I had been reassigned to serve in the American Sign Language unit. This was not normal. Missionaries usually receive their language assignment one time and stick with it for the course of their missions. I had done 5 months in English and now I was being asked to switch to ASL. I didn’t know ASL.

    I struggled a ton for the first few months in my new assignment. I lived in an apartment with 3 other Elders and their ASL seemed perfect. They were all older missionaries with admirable teaching skills, unbelievable confidence, and near-perfect obedience.

    I still struggled to teach even the most basic ideas. I was shy all the time- even around my companions. I was still learning the rules. My ASL was absolutely infant. I would ask our Deaf friends to repeat what they said, fully knowing that no matter how many times they said it I still wouldn’t understand. I could start a prayer- “Dear Heavenly Father. . .” but had no clue how to sign any of the things I wanted to.

    I felt totally Inadequate.

    Fast forward about 10 months- I’m training 4 Elders straight from the MTC. It’s my responsibility to do all I can to teach these guys how to become missionaries and help them learn ASL. It doesn’t matter how hard I try or how much effort I spend trying to be an example- I feel totally inadequate.

    Then I’m reading in Leviticus 5 and I notice a interesting pattern. look at this:

    6 And he shall bring his trespass offering unto the Lord for his sin which he hath sinned, a female from the flock, a lamb or a kid of the goats, for a sin offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for him concerning his sin.

    7 And if he be not able to bring a lamb, then he shall bring for his trespass, which he hath committed, two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, unto the Lord; one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering.

    …

    11 But if he be not able to bring two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, then he that sinned shall bring for his offering the tenth part of an ephah of fine flour for a sin offering; he shall put no oil upon it, neither shall he put any frankincense thereon: for it is a sin offering.

    Lets walk through this. First, an acceptable trespass offering is defined as a female lamb. Then, we’re given a alternate sacrifice for those who cant afford to sacrifice a lamb- 2 turtle doves or 2 young pigeons. Then we get ANOTHER alternate sacrifice- a tenth part of an ephah of flour- about 2 pounds of flour- basically enough to make 2 loaves of bread.

    Allow me to draw some lines and share why I think these verses are so important. The golden principle here is that God still wholly accepted the ‘lesser’ offerings. The key was that the Israelites were sacrificing the best they could. When I was a new ASL Elder, I was surrounded by those who gave God lambs every day. Meanwhile, I was carefully measuring out flour with my ‘tenth-part-of-an-ephah-cup’ and crying because it wasn’t a lamb. I failed to see the obvious- I was still doing my best and that’s all God had asked me to do.

    My offering was still accepted.

    Every time I offered my flour, God blessed me. God consecrated my efforts, helping me learn ASL and providing opportunities to become a confident teacher. As I embraced obedience, my daily offerings grew from turtle doves to lambs. Soon, I was comfortable approaching strangers and teaching them about the Book of Mormon. My trainees went on to become legendary missionaries—a result they were responsible for, but one I like to think I contributed to in some small way.

    Stop comparing others’ offerings to yours. When the Israelites sacrificed their lambs/pigeons/flour it was never actually about what they were offering or who they were with or who was watching. It was always about their relationship with God and Jesus Christ.

    If flour is all you can give right now- it is accepted.

    Keep the fire burning.

  • How to Win After You Lose

    I failed my first driver’s test. A lot of my friends did too. I would lie and say it was a small mistake or I just had a cranky examiner, but the truth is, I was driving on the wrong side of the road. We were sitting in the parking lot after driving all over town when she said “Driving on the wrong side of the road for more than 3 seconds is an instant fail” She paused and looked right in my eyes “What were you thinking?”

    I felt my heart fall all the way to my shoes and could feel the stress in the back of my head. I stumbled through some dumb response, “I don’t know–” She made sure to tell me other than those 3 seconds of stupidity I had a perfect score.

    I felt stupid for the rest of the day.

    It was days before I felt like driving again. I didn’t even tell my parents why I had failed until a week later. What does a failed driver’s test have to do with overcoming addiction? Stay on the right side of “the road?” Don’t let failure push you to give up? Life is like a test and sometimes we fail?

    No- I want to talk about the “second battle.” Our response after a lost battle can act as an anchor or a rocket. The choices we make after we lose determine if we’re warriors or slaves; agents or objects.

    Cut it Short

    I remember after I hit day 30 for the first time, I lost and felt a rush of shame. Satan whispered into my mind that there was something wrong with me, I’d never be able to go that far again, I was stupid, and other absolute lies. I had the courage to reach out to one of my brothers from group and I’m so glad I did because he was at my door a few minutes later. We went for a walk and he helped me shift my focus from how foolish I was to how much I had progressed. He helped me discern the lies that had been placed in my head. God did not want me to believe I was stupid. God did not want me to focus on my mistakes. That was all the devil.

    My friend challenged me to “get revenge” on Satan by making the rest of the day as fantastic as possible. He told me Satan wins if he gets you to stay bitter and stay alone. You can fight back by choosing to be happy and making the world brighter today. He beat you one time out of these past 30 days- DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU TWICE.

    It was tough to break out of my cocoon of shame- but I did. The rest of that day was full of chores for mom, playing with my siblings, sending thoughtful texts, and loads of scripture study. I could almost feel Satan’s frustration.

    Why let the devil continue to control you after you lose? President Nelson said: “Satan delights in your misery. Cut it short.” CUT IT SHORT. Feel the pain of losing, feel the guilt and regret, when you’re motivated to get up and do better and better… GET UP. It takes practice. Its not always easy to convince yourself you deserve to be happy. Start small and find out what “cutting it short” means in your battles.

    Numbing

    The first time I had caffeine was on the mission. I still remember Elder Scott passing me the can of Monster. My chin got tight and it felt like my kneecaps were shivering. Other than that I felt incredible. Monster is not the best caffeine option. I found better sources in way smaller doses later on. I also found out that after having a lost battle and getting hit with the inevitable hit of shame and “you are garbage,” Caffeine could minimize the negative feelings and make me happy.

    With as little as 60mg of caffeine, I found I could almost completely evade the bad feelings. I wasn’t hurting anybody, I could work harder, I was funnier and more outgoing on caffeine– so what’s the problem?

    There’s nothing wrong with using caffeine (as long as you don’t exceed 400mg in a 24-hour period, honestly, you shouldn’t even go past 200mg.) There is a problem with looking at porn and running away from the guilt of acting against your values. I know I was literally JUST trying to convince you to cut those feelings short, and you should cut off the feelings and lies that come from Satan- but “Guilt” comes from God. Guilt tells us: “You did something wrong. This isn’t the end. You can change.” Guilt is only uncomfortable because it reminds us that we’re imperfect. Shame tells us “You are the problem. You will always be the problem. You are hopeless.”

    Guilt is healthy. Shame is poison. Don’t numb away your Guilt.

    There are more ways to numb than just caffeine. Some I’ve heard include:

    • Sleeping
    • Doom-Scrolling
    • Overeating sweets
    • Losing again

    I hope you are remembering how you felt last time you lost a battle- How did you react? What lies did Satan tell you? What truths did God tell you? Did you try to numb your way out?

    What Went Wrong?

    I have one friend who periodically will bring up my battle with porn and ask how it’s going. At times, I dread the conversation that follows because I know he’ll ask the hard questions- “What went wrong?” or “What was the trigger?”

    I kind of hate answering those questions because I don’t want to admit that there WAS a trigger or that there IS a pattern to my lost battles. Logically, I know that if I fully understood why I lost I would more easily be able to prepare for the next attack.

    In one of the groups I attend, they teach you to write a “Lost Battle Analysis.” This includes a series of questions that, with real effort, help you find exactly what went wrong and teach you how to learn from your mistakes. One of my mentors often says “Failure is only failure if you fail to learn.”

    It is always absolutely worth the time to sit down and analyze a lost battle. Try to find out what lies Satan was whispering to you and which ones you believed. Pinpoint the moment you lost control. Consider what you could do differently next time you’re in a similar situation.

    Closing

    Chances are you or somebody you love will have another lost battle…eventually. When it happens, be ready to act. Cut the devil’s joy and control short by getting up and doing good. Do not numb the guilt away. Remember to discern between guilt from God and shame from the devil. Analyze the lost battle and learn as much as you can so that you can better defend yourself next time. You got this. Keep fighting. Keep the fire burning.

  • Getting My Car Towed Helped Me Stop Looking at Porn

    In primary, we’re taught that repentance has simple steps: first you feel sorry about what you did, next you ask to be forgiven, then you do what you can to make it right, and you try to never make that mistake again. The process is easy to apply when the go-to example for sinning is stealing a cookie. The truth is sin and repentance are more complex then stealing a cookie.

    As I got older I wasn’t dealing with hitting my sister or lying to my parents anymore. I found myself having strong unkind feelings towards other people, wasting time in idleness, and of course (no surprise by now) watching porn.

    One of the least talked about aspects of repentance has gotta be the principle of ‘Restitution’ simply defined as “Doing what you can to fix your mistake.” This is where you give the toy you stole back. This is where you work in somebody’s yard after throwing toilet paper all over their trees. This is where you work hard all summer so you can make enough money to fix that mailbox you drove into.

    No matter how genuine we are with our repentance, we will never be able to erase our mistakes. However, restitution offers us a chance to do all that’s possible to fix it. So- what about sins that don’t necessarily involve others? How are we supposed to “make it right?”

    When I was half way through my mission, I had relapses with pornography. I knew I needed help so I promptly reached out to my mission president. He arranged an in-person meeting with me the next afternoon. I told him everything I needed to and his invitation to me was to study repentance and forgiveness for the next month. We would then have another meeting and I would share what I had learned.

    I learned a lot and I’m not gonna dump it all in here, for the sake of the story, I was studying repentance. God is always teaching His children something. He taught me about restitution with a tow truck.

    My comp and I were teaching a incredible man named Bertram. “Bert” was a older black gentleman living in one of the missionary hotspot apartments- we spent a lot of time there. He always was offering us Doritos and watermelon and stuff. He was very kind and very interested in how the Gospel could help him.

    One Sunday, we had a meeting with him. we ended up being about 20 minutes early so we sat in the car and read some scriptures and cleaned the car out. I remember finding a whole pringle under my seat and tossing it to the side. We headed in and had a fantastic lesson with Bertram where we actually invited him to follow the Savior by being baptized. We walked out feeling amazing and like legends. We headed back to the car…except… it was gone. The pringle I tossed was right there but the parking spot next to it- empty.

    So, we walked to a member’s home and they drove us to our next appointment. We called our vehicle coordinator and regretfully told him we had been towed. He explained that it was going to be about 500 dollars and that mission rules said we had to pay it ourselves. 250 dollars each- ouch. We had some cash that some members had given us. We each called home and got the rest of the cash from our own accounts.

    The whole thing was humiliating and frustrating. I had seen at least 6 other missionaries park there. I figured we were safe. But there had been a sign posted- one that I ignored. Now we had to pay a hefty price. As the vehicle coordinator drove us to go get the car back, I remembered my studies and the principle of restitution. I was overwhelmed with this strikingly real example of restitution. I am certain God orchestrated the towing of the car to teach me about restitution. I made a mistake. I couldn’t fix it on my own. As part of the process of getting the car back, I had to pay a hefty price to make it right. Getting frustrated or bitter about the price wasn’t gonna change a thing.

    I hope you can see the parallels and divine instruction layered into the parable of getting a mission car towed. If not, I just shared a story I would have rather not lol. God knows that we can’t pay the price for our own sins- only Jesus Christ could do that- and he already did. The price has already been paid. But, in his complete knowledge and perfect understanding, He has asked that we still do all we can to “pay for our sin” which is exactly what restitution is. We can never fully repair the holes our sins caused without Jesus Christ and the grace that comes from His atonement.

    So, what about porn? How can I practice restitution if I’m not really hurting anybody except myself? This is a DEEP question and I’d much rather sit down and talk with you about it. I’ll try to answer though. First off, you are hurting others. Porn does have an effect on your brain. It rewrites pathways and changes the way you see other people. Porn damages your heart- it hurts all relationships in your life and pushes you to isolate yourself. Restitution would look like seeking to correct all the damage that porn has done to you and building and repairing relationships with other people- doing the opposite of what porn tells you to do.

    • Learning how to heal your brain
    • Healing your body through exercise and nutrition
    • Healing your spirit through connection with the savior
    • Respecting women
    • Being a better friend to all
    • Serving your family
    • Becoming a creator of good things instead of a consumer of bad things

    This blog is part of my restitution. Even if nobody ever reads any of this, I know it would still help me in my repentance process. Healing the damage addiction causes in the brain takes years- even longer when relapses are involved. Restitution in addiction recovery is anything that helps repair that damage.

    It would be wonderful if I could just pay a large sum of money like I did for the car- but this sin is a lot more complicated, naturally, the repentance is too. But I’m not alone. Jesus Christ has been there since day one and all the other days before that. You’re not alone either.

    I met with President Larson a month later. I told him I had stayed away from porn since our last meeting. I told him about how our car was divinely towed to teach me about restitution. I explained the peace I felt as I paid my share of the debt. We cried together. I remember him pointing to a picture of the man who paid all debts- Jesus Christ- and asking a surprising and unexpected question-

    “Elder Owens, lets say you get hit by a bus and die, would you feel ready to step into His Prescence?”

    I know I laughed a little bit at the bus part but a quick look at President Larson let me know he wasn’t trying to be funny so I turned and looked at the picture of Jesus in his office. I felt peaceful and knew I was doing the right things and God was pleased with my efforts. Sometimes I ask myself that question, it may be morbid, but if I’m living my life the right way I should always be ready for that bus.

    I hope I don’t get hit by a bus. I also hope I never get my car towed again.

  • Nehemiah was Written for Those fighting Addiction and Satan

    Nehemiah must’ve had a tough tough time in kindergarten- Imagine writing “Nehemiah” on all your papers as a 5 year old. Of course, He spoke a different language and didn’t have the kindergarten experience we did. He was considerably more well-off then a lot of his fellow Israelites though. Nehemiah was the King’s cupbearer- meaning he made sure none of the king’s food was poisoned. He must’ve done a good job cause the King wasn’t ever poisoned.

    Nehemiah was a legend. He was brave, passionate, faithful to the end, and he never let anything get in his way. Perhaps one of the most incredible leaders in the bible- he rebuilt a city while fighting a battle at the same time. He took a pile of rubble and turned it back into a city. He put a stop to incorrect traditions and helped all his people take a step up in their discipleship.

    His story starts when he receives word that the city of his fathers- Jerusalem- “also is broken down, and the gates thereof are burned with fire.” So you know what he does? He weeps. He fasts. He prays. He acknowledges that Israel has been wicked and technically deserved all the trials the past years have held. Then he asks for forgiveness. He says “O Lord, I beseech thee, let now thine ear be attentive to the prayer of thy servant, and to the prayer of thy servants, who desire to fear thy name:”

    A ‘desire to fear thy name,’ or a desire to worship, follow, and obey God. That’s what our hero starts out with- just a desire.

    Well, King Artaxerxes (Kindergarten was probably tough for him too) notices that Nehemiah is sad. Nehemiah opens up and expresses a desire to go to Jerusalem and build it. Talk about ambitious goal-setting. The King didn’t laugh- he sends letters granting him permissions and some of his army with Nehemiah to go rebuild Jerusalem.

    First thing he does when he gets there is take a self-guided tour of the rubble of Jerusalem, taking note of every thing that needs to get fixed…which is everything.

    An important figure is introduced here- Sanballat- When I read Nehemiah, I like to replace his name with Satan. When he meets Nehemiah he LAUGHS IN HIS FACE, saying “What is this thing that ye do?” Nehemiah- absolutely unshaken-responds: “The God of heaven, he will prosper us; therefore we his servants will arise and build” and that’s exactly what he did.

    Go to chapter 3 and control f “repair.” 35 times. Nehemiah and his team absolutely ‘arose and built.’ But wait, things get even crazier. Remember that Sanballat/Satan guy? Ya-he comes back. he wasn’t just content with mocking these wall-builders -no- he wanted to kill them. Nehemiah adapts his plan and strategically places men with weapons and trumpets wherever the construction is taking place. In verse 14 he reminds everybody: “Be not ye afraid of them: remember the Lord, which is great and terrible, and fight for your brethren, your sons, and your daughters, your wives, and your houses.”

    Up to this point in the Old Testament, we haven’t really had a story like this. Nehemiah is told in first person. He was never miraculously called by God- he kind of just told God he was gonna do this and God supports him. Nehemiah wasn’t a priest or a king yet he became a leader to all of Israel. Nowhere else in the Bible do we see such a detailed record of a construction project- we come close with Solomon’s Temple in 1 Kings- but this is still very unique

    I remember the first time I read Nehemiah, being on the edge of my seat. I was so used to “Boring” things- I wont say which books in particular, you all know which ones I’m talking about- I was so surprised to find this story. I was even more surprised when I read this verse 17, which I think is the most important verse in Nehemiah:

    “They which builded on the wall, and they that bare burdens, with those that laded, every one with one of his hands wrought in the work, and with the other hand held a weapon.”

    One of the biggest keys to addiction recovery is in this verse. Imagine in your mind a man working on this wall- In one hand he holds a tool- maybe a hammer- and in the other he holds a sword. Every few moments he looks around him making sure there aren’t any followers of Sanballat/Satan trying to sneak up and kill him. He stays focused at all times. He is inspired by what Nehemiah has taught him- To not be afraid. To remember God. To fight for his family.

    He builds these walls because after years of his ancestors being wicked- its time to change. Its time to repent. Its time to follow God. He thinks about what they city will be like when its finished. He looks around him again- always ready for an attack and always ready to go do whatever work Nehemiah assigns him.

    THAT is the mindset of somebody who cares about recovery from Porn. You build. You defend. Every day. That is how we live our lives when we want to break the chains of addiction.

    I learned what it means to “With one hand wrought in the work” as a Missionary. Every day my purpose was to Invite others to come unto Jesus Christ- to build God’s kingdom. The harder I worked, the more spiritually strong I became. Satan still got through at times and that’s why “the other hand held a weapon” If I noticed an attack coming up from Satan I could start doing pushups, recite scripture, tell my comp I was struggling, play hymns, or pray. These weapons will stop attacks when used with skill.

    Nehemiah’s story doesn’t end there. The city is rebuilt, He ends the practice of usury, He rejects Sanballat’s temptations to come down from the wall, the people decide to return to following the true God- its epic. No matter where you’re at right now- Grab your hammer, grab your sword. You may have a pile of rubble and stones right now, but your story doesn’t end there, like Nehemiah’s, it ends in victory.

  • What is Levi613

    “The fire shall ever be burning upon the altar; it shall never go out”

    About half way through my mission, I was the oldest missionary in our ASL program. In fact, if you were to add up the total time the other 4 elders had been in the field- I would still have held more time. In a span of 1 month we had received 4 new ASL Elders from the MTC. I was responsible for training all of them and introducing them to the In-Field-Missionary-Experience.

    Lucky for me, we all got sick and tested positive for Covid-19.

    That meant a 2-week quarantine. We played Risk, studied ASL, sent thousands of texts, deep cleaned the apartment (it still looked awful the next day as 5 young men were living in it.) I decided I was going to start studying the Old Testament. I’m sure my experience is not unique, but, growing up I was taught over and over again to read the Book of Mormon every day and to focus my studies on the Book of Mormon. I wholeheartedly believe the Book of Mormon contains the fullness of the gospel and is true, but, this ‘mega-focus’ on the Book of Mormon created a strong unfamiliarity with the Holy Bible. I knew all the basics- Adam, Noah, Abraham, Moses……Daniel…and then Jesus… There was still a ton I didn’t even know that I didn’t know.

    A few games of Risk later, the quarantine was over. I kept burning through the Old Testament, finding precious gems on every page and eagerly sharing them with these 4 young elders. I still remember the day I found MY verse. Training had been taxing. I felt mega inadequate- I wasn’t confident in my ASL, teaching, planning, or even obedience to mission rules. How was I supposed to lead these 4 new missionaries in doing God’s work? I kind of felt like I had already failed by not fully taking advantage of our 2 weeks stuck inside. I felt like my motivation was empty.

    Then I was reading in Leviticus 6 (and as you can guess by the title, something really special happened on verse 13)

    Verse 12 says: “And the fire upon the altar shall be burning in it; it shall not be put out: and the priest shall burn wood on it every morning, and lay the burnt offering in order upon it; and he shall burn thereon the fat of the peace offerings”

    Followed by a clear and instructive commandment from God: “The fire shall ever be burning upon the altar; it shall never go out”

    I was not a priest learning how to perform sacrificial rituals in the Tabernacle, yet I had other fires that God was commanding me to always keep burning. I had my own wood that I was responsible for adding to my fire every day. In that moment I knew God was commanding me to keep the fire burning.

    I must’ve read the verse 10 times, shocked at how a verse so ancient could be perfectly meant for me. I grabbed a stickey note and made this:

    (Yes, I was also learning Hindi while I was assigned ASL. I’ll talk about that later)

    I kept this sticky note or one like it with me for the rest of my mission. It was a constant reminder to keep my fire burning by adding wood every morning. so- What is the fire? What is the wood??

    Throughout the scriptures fire represents a ton of things- Bible dictionary has a pretty sweet list:

    However, The spirit first taught me the principle of “Keeping the Fire Burning” through the lens of ‘Motivation.’ Motivation does act very much like a fire- If you don’t feed motivation- it dies. I would even describe the feeling of pure motivation like a fire burning inside. Some of my ‘wood’ for the fire of motivation includes: working out, prayer, completing a goal, setting a goal, inspiring stories, envisioning success… and 60mg of caffeine

    If you go back to Leviticus and really consider the fire in those verses, you’ll remember it is burning in a very specific altar- the Altar of Sacrifice (My Blog- I’ll Capitalize whatever words or phrases I want to.) The Israelites would offer burnt offerings of lambs, bulls, flour, turtle doves, and other things depending on what the sacrifice was meant to accomplish. Sometimes the whole animal, sometimes just fat or the liver. Sometimes the priest would wave the offering in the air. However, none of that really matters much.

    The point of it all was to point us to Jesus Christ. Sacrifice was the means by which covenants were made. Sacrifice was how they were freed from their sins. Sacrifice represented Jesus Christ. The animals sacrificed remind us of Jesus…so do the Altar, Fire, and….. almost every other aspect of the tabernacle.

    So how do I keep the fire of ‘Jesus Christ’ burning? I’m not sure I’m supposed to answer that one for you, you’ll have to learn what it means on your own. But here’s a cool story where God teaches more about the ‘Fire of Jesus Christ.’

    1 Kings 18- Legends will know this story as the ‘God-off’ of Elijah and the priests of Baal. At this point there’s been a mega drought for 3 and a half years that Elijah actually started because of the people’s wickedness. Elijah gets a meeting set up with Ahab. Ahab is like ‘You’re the one making all this drought crap happen’

    Elijah is like ‘It’s not me- its all yalls’ wickedness making the drought happen’ then he issues his challenge:

    “Now therefore send, and gather to me all Israel unto mount Carmel, and the prophets of Baal 450, and the prophets of the grove 400”

    They meet up at Mount Carmel and…you know the story. Elijah proposes a contest to see whose God is real. Whoever can get their God to send fire down first wins. He taunts and teases them as they continue to try everything to get Baal to send down fire. Then it’s Elijah’s turn. He has a altar made of 12 stones then asks for 12 full barrels of water to be poured out on his altar and sacrifice. He offers a prayer, pleading for God to hear him and answer his prayer so that Israel may repent and turn to the real God. The prayer was answered:

    “Then the fire of the Lord fell and consumed the burnt sacrifice, and the wood, and the stones, and the dust, and licked up the water that was in the trench”

    The story continues, but the point I want to make is that no matter what ‘fire’ you’re focusing on right now- The fire of motivation, the fire of recovering from pornography, the fire of getting into shape like Ethan Bernard- if you choose to involve Jesus Christ- incredible things will happen. It doesn’t matter if your personal fire is barely burning, a single flame, or drowned in 12 barrels of water! God can make a puddle of water into a fire so bright, hot, and powerful it will lick up the dust and burn literal stones.

    I’ve had times when my fire was a puddle. There were times I genuinely believed I would struggle with Porn till I died and go my whole life keeping it a secret- I’m so glad I didn’t. When I brought my weaknesses to Jesus Christ, He turned my sad fire pit into a reasonably sized campfire of Hope. Since then I have been adding wood to the fire every day.

    Keep the Fire Burning.

  • Welcome

    I’ll get right into it- I’ve been battling an addiction to pornography for over 5 years now. I have gone with long stretches of sobriety only to fall into shame again. I am passionate about this battle and helping others find solutions in their quest. I have been involved with countless addiction recovery programs and learned a lot from all of them. I love sharing my story with pornography addiction because, honestly, not much else compares when it comes to ‘things that have brought me closest to Jesus Christ.’

    Recently, I was scrolling on social media and I kept getting videos about peoples’ fitness journeys. One in particular stood out- Ethan Bernard…he started out very obese. But he set goals and has been documenting his entire journey, including all the setbacks, failures, and feelings of discouragement. Even though I’ve never weighed more than 170, I felt a connection to Ethan. Not to compare being obese with viewing porn, but a lot of the challenges Ethan shared reminded me of similar challenges I’ve had in my journey. We are both on a quest to improve ourselves- and its a difficult one that requires daily effort in the physical and mental battle field.

    Then I had the thought “Why isn’t anybody out there documenting their pornography recovery quest?” Its not a new stat- we’ve all heard the saying “90% of guys are struggling with pornography…the other 10% are lying.” As I have shared my story with friends, family, coworkers, dates, and other church members- nobody has ever said “Porn? Ya-I’ve never looked at that crap.” No, nearly every response is the same:

    • “Wow… I thought I was the only one.”
    • “I’ve been struggling with *that* for so long”
    • Or simply a “Thank you” because that’s all they were able to say in between tears.

    I have not been able to shake the idea of Ethan Bernard and following in his steps (he takes a lot of steps every day btw.) I’m going to keep this blog alive and use it as a weapon against porn. Come join the winning team. What’s your story?