I failed my first driver’s test. A lot of my friends did too. I would lie and say it was a small mistake or I just had a cranky examiner, but the truth is, I was driving on the wrong side of the road. We were sitting in the parking lot after driving all over town when she said “Driving on the wrong side of the road for more than 3 seconds is an instant fail” She paused and looked right in my eyes “What were you thinking?”
I felt my heart fall all the way to my shoes and could feel the stress in the back of my head. I stumbled through some dumb response, “I don’t know–” She made sure to tell me other than those 3 seconds of stupidity I had a perfect score.
I felt stupid for the rest of the day.
It was days before I felt like driving again. I didn’t even tell my parents why I had failed until a week later. What does a failed driver’s test have to do with overcoming addiction? Stay on the right side of “the road?” Don’t let failure push you to give up? Life is like a test and sometimes we fail?
No- I want to talk about the “second battle.” Our response after a lost battle can act as an anchor or a rocket. The choices we make after we lose determine if we’re warriors or slaves; agents or objects.
Cut it Short
I remember after I hit day 30 for the first time, I lost and felt a rush of shame. Satan whispered into my mind that there was something wrong with me, I’d never be able to go that far again, I was stupid, and other absolute lies. I had the courage to reach out to one of my brothers from group and I’m so glad I did because he was at my door a few minutes later. We went for a walk and he helped me shift my focus from how foolish I was to how much I had progressed. He helped me discern the lies that had been placed in my head. God did not want me to believe I was stupid. God did not want me to focus on my mistakes. That was all the devil.
My friend challenged me to “get revenge” on Satan by making the rest of the day as fantastic as possible. He told me Satan wins if he gets you to stay bitter and stay alone. You can fight back by choosing to be happy and making the world brighter today. He beat you one time out of these past 30 days- DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU TWICE.
It was tough to break out of my cocoon of shame- but I did. The rest of that day was full of chores for mom, playing with my siblings, sending thoughtful texts, and loads of scripture study. I could almost feel Satan’s frustration.
Why let the devil continue to control you after you lose? President Nelson said: “Satan delights in your misery. Cut it short.” CUT IT SHORT. Feel the pain of losing, feel the guilt and regret, when you’re motivated to get up and do better and better… GET UP. It takes practice. Its not always easy to convince yourself you deserve to be happy. Start small and find out what “cutting it short” means in your battles.
Numbing
The first time I had caffeine was on the mission. I still remember Elder Scott passing me the can of Monster. My chin got tight and it felt like my kneecaps were shivering. Other than that I felt incredible. Monster is not the best caffeine option. I found better sources in way smaller doses later on. I also found out that after having a lost battle and getting hit with the inevitable hit of shame and “you are garbage,” Caffeine could minimize the negative feelings and make me happy.
With as little as 60mg of caffeine, I found I could almost completely evade the bad feelings. I wasn’t hurting anybody, I could work harder, I was funnier and more outgoing on caffeine– so what’s the problem?
There’s nothing wrong with using caffeine (as long as you don’t exceed 400mg in a 24-hour period, honestly, you shouldn’t even go past 200mg.) There is a problem with looking at porn and running away from the guilt of acting against your values. I know I was literally JUST trying to convince you to cut those feelings short, and you should cut off the feelings and lies that come from Satan- but “Guilt” comes from God. Guilt tells us: “You did something wrong. This isn’t the end. You can change.” Guilt is only uncomfortable because it reminds us that we’re imperfect. Shame tells us “You are the problem. You will always be the problem. You are hopeless.”
Guilt is healthy. Shame is poison. Don’t numb away your Guilt.
There are more ways to numb than just caffeine. Some I’ve heard include:
- Sleeping
- Doom-Scrolling
- Overeating sweets
- Losing again
I hope you are remembering how you felt last time you lost a battle- How did you react? What lies did Satan tell you? What truths did God tell you? Did you try to numb your way out?
What Went Wrong?
I have one friend who periodically will bring up my battle with porn and ask how it’s going. At times, I dread the conversation that follows because I know he’ll ask the hard questions- “What went wrong?” or “What was the trigger?”
I kind of hate answering those questions because I don’t want to admit that there WAS a trigger or that there IS a pattern to my lost battles. Logically, I know that if I fully understood why I lost I would more easily be able to prepare for the next attack.
In one of the groups I attend, they teach you to write a “Lost Battle Analysis.” This includes a series of questions that, with real effort, help you find exactly what went wrong and teach you how to learn from your mistakes. One of my mentors often says “Failure is only failure if you fail to learn.”
It is always absolutely worth the time to sit down and analyze a lost battle. Try to find out what lies Satan was whispering to you and which ones you believed. Pinpoint the moment you lost control. Consider what you could do differently next time you’re in a similar situation.
Closing
Chances are you or somebody you love will have another lost battle…eventually. When it happens, be ready to act. Cut the devil’s joy and control short by getting up and doing good. Do not numb the guilt away. Remember to discern between guilt from God and shame from the devil. Analyze the lost battle and learn as much as you can so that you can better defend yourself next time. You got this. Keep fighting. Keep the fire burning.
