In primary, we’re taught that repentance has simple steps: first you feel sorry about what you did, next you ask to be forgiven, then you do what you can to make it right, and you try to never make that mistake again. The process is easy to apply when the go-to example for sinning is stealing a cookie. The truth is sin and repentance are more complex then stealing a cookie.
As I got older I wasn’t dealing with hitting my sister or lying to my parents anymore. I found myself having strong unkind feelings towards other people, wasting time in idleness, and of course (no surprise by now) watching porn.
One of the least talked about aspects of repentance has gotta be the principle of ‘Restitution’ simply defined as “Doing what you can to fix your mistake.” This is where you give the toy you stole back. This is where you work in somebody’s yard after throwing toilet paper all over their trees. This is where you work hard all summer so you can make enough money to fix that mailbox you drove into.
No matter how genuine we are with our repentance, we will never be able to erase our mistakes. However, restitution offers us a chance to do all that’s possible to fix it. So- what about sins that don’t necessarily involve others? How are we supposed to “make it right?”
When I was half way through my mission, I had relapses with pornography. I knew I needed help so I promptly reached out to my mission president. He arranged an in-person meeting with me the next afternoon. I told him everything I needed to and his invitation to me was to study repentance and forgiveness for the next month. We would then have another meeting and I would share what I had learned.
I learned a lot and I’m not gonna dump it all in here, for the sake of the story, I was studying repentance. God is always teaching His children something. He taught me about restitution with a tow truck.
My comp and I were teaching a incredible man named Bertram. “Bert” was a older black gentleman living in one of the missionary hotspot apartments- we spent a lot of time there. He always was offering us Doritos and watermelon and stuff. He was very kind and very interested in how the Gospel could help him.
One Sunday, we had a meeting with him. we ended up being about 20 minutes early so we sat in the car and read some scriptures and cleaned the car out. I remember finding a whole pringle under my seat and tossing it to the side. We headed in and had a fantastic lesson with Bertram where we actually invited him to follow the Savior by being baptized. We walked out feeling amazing and like legends. We headed back to the car…except… it was gone. The pringle I tossed was right there but the parking spot next to it- empty.
So, we walked to a member’s home and they drove us to our next appointment. We called our vehicle coordinator and regretfully told him we had been towed. He explained that it was going to be about 500 dollars and that mission rules said we had to pay it ourselves. 250 dollars each- ouch. We had some cash that some members had given us. We each called home and got the rest of the cash from our own accounts.
The whole thing was humiliating and frustrating. I had seen at least 6 other missionaries park there. I figured we were safe. But there had been a sign posted- one that I ignored. Now we had to pay a hefty price. As the vehicle coordinator drove us to go get the car back, I remembered my studies and the principle of restitution. I was overwhelmed with this strikingly real example of restitution. I am certain God orchestrated the towing of the car to teach me about restitution. I made a mistake. I couldn’t fix it on my own. As part of the process of getting the car back, I had to pay a hefty price to make it right. Getting frustrated or bitter about the price wasn’t gonna change a thing.
I hope you can see the parallels and divine instruction layered into the parable of getting a mission car towed. If not, I just shared a story I would have rather not lol. God knows that we can’t pay the price for our own sins- only Jesus Christ could do that- and he already did. The price has already been paid. But, in his complete knowledge and perfect understanding, He has asked that we still do all we can to “pay for our sin” which is exactly what restitution is. We can never fully repair the holes our sins caused without Jesus Christ and the grace that comes from His atonement.
So, what about porn? How can I practice restitution if I’m not really hurting anybody except myself? This is a DEEP question and I’d much rather sit down and talk with you about it. I’ll try to answer though. First off, you are hurting others. Porn does have an effect on your brain. It rewrites pathways and changes the way you see other people. Porn damages your heart- it hurts all relationships in your life and pushes you to isolate yourself. Restitution would look like seeking to correct all the damage that porn has done to you and building and repairing relationships with other people- doing the opposite of what porn tells you to do.
- Learning how to heal your brain
- Healing your body through exercise and nutrition
- Healing your spirit through connection with the savior
- Respecting women
- Being a better friend to all
- Serving your family
- Becoming a creator of good things instead of a consumer of bad things
This blog is part of my restitution. Even if nobody ever reads any of this, I know it would still help me in my repentance process. Healing the damage addiction causes in the brain takes years- even longer when relapses are involved. Restitution in addiction recovery is anything that helps repair that damage.
It would be wonderful if I could just pay a large sum of money like I did for the car- but this sin is a lot more complicated, naturally, the repentance is too. But I’m not alone. Jesus Christ has been there since day one and all the other days before that. You’re not alone either.
I met with President Larson a month later. I told him I had stayed away from porn since our last meeting. I told him about how our car was divinely towed to teach me about restitution. I explained the peace I felt as I paid my share of the debt. We cried together. I remember him pointing to a picture of the man who paid all debts- Jesus Christ- and asking a surprising and unexpected question-
“Elder Owens, lets say you get hit by a bus and die, would you feel ready to step into His Prescence?”
I know I laughed a little bit at the bus part but a quick look at President Larson let me know he wasn’t trying to be funny so I turned and looked at the picture of Jesus in his office. I felt peaceful and knew I was doing the right things and God was pleased with my efforts. Sometimes I ask myself that question, it may be morbid, but if I’m living my life the right way I should always be ready for that bus.
I hope I don’t get hit by a bus. I also hope I never get my car towed again.
