Levi613

Tag: overcoming pornography

  • How to Win After You Lose

    I failed my first driver’s test. A lot of my friends did too. I would lie and say it was a small mistake or I just had a cranky examiner, but the truth is, I was driving on the wrong side of the road. We were sitting in the parking lot after driving all over town when she said “Driving on the wrong side of the road for more than 3 seconds is an instant fail” She paused and looked right in my eyes “What were you thinking?”

    I felt my heart fall all the way to my shoes and could feel the stress in the back of my head. I stumbled through some dumb response, “I don’t know–” She made sure to tell me other than those 3 seconds of stupidity I had a perfect score.

    I felt stupid for the rest of the day.

    It was days before I felt like driving again. I didn’t even tell my parents why I had failed until a week later. What does a failed driver’s test have to do with overcoming addiction? Stay on the right side of “the road?” Don’t let failure push you to give up? Life is like a test and sometimes we fail?

    No- I want to talk about the “second battle.” Our response after a lost battle can act as an anchor or a rocket. The choices we make after we lose determine if we’re warriors or slaves; agents or objects.

    Cut it Short

    I remember after I hit day 30 for the first time, I lost and felt a rush of shame. Satan whispered into my mind that there was something wrong with me, I’d never be able to go that far again, I was stupid, and other absolute lies. I had the courage to reach out to one of my brothers from group and I’m so glad I did because he was at my door a few minutes later. We went for a walk and he helped me shift my focus from how foolish I was to how much I had progressed. He helped me discern the lies that had been placed in my head. God did not want me to believe I was stupid. God did not want me to focus on my mistakes. That was all the devil.

    My friend challenged me to “get revenge” on Satan by making the rest of the day as fantastic as possible. He told me Satan wins if he gets you to stay bitter and stay alone. You can fight back by choosing to be happy and making the world brighter today. He beat you one time out of these past 30 days- DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU TWICE.

    It was tough to break out of my cocoon of shame- but I did. The rest of that day was full of chores for mom, playing with my siblings, sending thoughtful texts, and loads of scripture study. I could almost feel Satan’s frustration.

    Why let the devil continue to control you after you lose? President Nelson said: “Satan delights in your misery. Cut it short.” CUT IT SHORT. Feel the pain of losing, feel the guilt and regret, when you’re motivated to get up and do better and better… GET UP. It takes practice. Its not always easy to convince yourself you deserve to be happy. Start small and find out what “cutting it short” means in your battles.

    Numbing

    The first time I had caffeine was on the mission. I still remember Elder Scott passing me the can of Monster. My chin got tight and it felt like my kneecaps were shivering. Other than that I felt incredible. Monster is not the best caffeine option. I found better sources in way smaller doses later on. I also found out that after having a lost battle and getting hit with the inevitable hit of shame and “you are garbage,” Caffeine could minimize the negative feelings and make me happy.

    With as little as 60mg of caffeine, I found I could almost completely evade the bad feelings. I wasn’t hurting anybody, I could work harder, I was funnier and more outgoing on caffeine– so what’s the problem?

    There’s nothing wrong with using caffeine (as long as you don’t exceed 400mg in a 24-hour period, honestly, you shouldn’t even go past 200mg.) There is a problem with looking at porn and running away from the guilt of acting against your values. I know I was literally JUST trying to convince you to cut those feelings short, and you should cut off the feelings and lies that come from Satan- but “Guilt” comes from God. Guilt tells us: “You did something wrong. This isn’t the end. You can change.” Guilt is only uncomfortable because it reminds us that we’re imperfect. Shame tells us “You are the problem. You will always be the problem. You are hopeless.”

    Guilt is healthy. Shame is poison. Don’t numb away your Guilt.

    There are more ways to numb than just caffeine. Some I’ve heard include:

    • Sleeping
    • Doom-Scrolling
    • Overeating sweets
    • Losing again

    I hope you are remembering how you felt last time you lost a battle- How did you react? What lies did Satan tell you? What truths did God tell you? Did you try to numb your way out?

    What Went Wrong?

    I have one friend who periodically will bring up my battle with porn and ask how it’s going. At times, I dread the conversation that follows because I know he’ll ask the hard questions- “What went wrong?” or “What was the trigger?”

    I kind of hate answering those questions because I don’t want to admit that there WAS a trigger or that there IS a pattern to my lost battles. Logically, I know that if I fully understood why I lost I would more easily be able to prepare for the next attack.

    In one of the groups I attend, they teach you to write a “Lost Battle Analysis.” This includes a series of questions that, with real effort, help you find exactly what went wrong and teach you how to learn from your mistakes. One of my mentors often says “Failure is only failure if you fail to learn.”

    It is always absolutely worth the time to sit down and analyze a lost battle. Try to find out what lies Satan was whispering to you and which ones you believed. Pinpoint the moment you lost control. Consider what you could do differently next time you’re in a similar situation.

    Closing

    Chances are you or somebody you love will have another lost battle…eventually. When it happens, be ready to act. Cut the devil’s joy and control short by getting up and doing good. Do not numb the guilt away. Remember to discern between guilt from God and shame from the devil. Analyze the lost battle and learn as much as you can so that you can better defend yourself next time. You got this. Keep fighting. Keep the fire burning.

  • Getting My Car Towed Helped Me Stop Looking at Porn

    In primary, we’re taught that repentance has simple steps: first you feel sorry about what you did, next you ask to be forgiven, then you do what you can to make it right, and you try to never make that mistake again. The process is easy to apply when the go-to example for sinning is stealing a cookie. The truth is sin and repentance are more complex then stealing a cookie.

    As I got older I wasn’t dealing with hitting my sister or lying to my parents anymore. I found myself having strong unkind feelings towards other people, wasting time in idleness, and of course (no surprise by now) watching porn.

    One of the least talked about aspects of repentance has gotta be the principle of ‘Restitution’ simply defined as “Doing what you can to fix your mistake.” This is where you give the toy you stole back. This is where you work in somebody’s yard after throwing toilet paper all over their trees. This is where you work hard all summer so you can make enough money to fix that mailbox you drove into.

    No matter how genuine we are with our repentance, we will never be able to erase our mistakes. However, restitution offers us a chance to do all that’s possible to fix it. So- what about sins that don’t necessarily involve others? How are we supposed to “make it right?”

    When I was half way through my mission, I had relapses with pornography. I knew I needed help so I promptly reached out to my mission president. He arranged an in-person meeting with me the next afternoon. I told him everything I needed to and his invitation to me was to study repentance and forgiveness for the next month. We would then have another meeting and I would share what I had learned.

    I learned a lot and I’m not gonna dump it all in here, for the sake of the story, I was studying repentance. God is always teaching His children something. He taught me about restitution with a tow truck.

    My comp and I were teaching a incredible man named Bertram. “Bert” was a older black gentleman living in one of the missionary hotspot apartments- we spent a lot of time there. He always was offering us Doritos and watermelon and stuff. He was very kind and very interested in how the Gospel could help him.

    One Sunday, we had a meeting with him. we ended up being about 20 minutes early so we sat in the car and read some scriptures and cleaned the car out. I remember finding a whole pringle under my seat and tossing it to the side. We headed in and had a fantastic lesson with Bertram where we actually invited him to follow the Savior by being baptized. We walked out feeling amazing and like legends. We headed back to the car…except… it was gone. The pringle I tossed was right there but the parking spot next to it- empty.

    So, we walked to a member’s home and they drove us to our next appointment. We called our vehicle coordinator and regretfully told him we had been towed. He explained that it was going to be about 500 dollars and that mission rules said we had to pay it ourselves. 250 dollars each- ouch. We had some cash that some members had given us. We each called home and got the rest of the cash from our own accounts.

    The whole thing was humiliating and frustrating. I had seen at least 6 other missionaries park there. I figured we were safe. But there had been a sign posted- one that I ignored. Now we had to pay a hefty price. As the vehicle coordinator drove us to go get the car back, I remembered my studies and the principle of restitution. I was overwhelmed with this strikingly real example of restitution. I am certain God orchestrated the towing of the car to teach me about restitution. I made a mistake. I couldn’t fix it on my own. As part of the process of getting the car back, I had to pay a hefty price to make it right. Getting frustrated or bitter about the price wasn’t gonna change a thing.

    I hope you can see the parallels and divine instruction layered into the parable of getting a mission car towed. If not, I just shared a story I would have rather not lol. God knows that we can’t pay the price for our own sins- only Jesus Christ could do that- and he already did. The price has already been paid. But, in his complete knowledge and perfect understanding, He has asked that we still do all we can to “pay for our sin” which is exactly what restitution is. We can never fully repair the holes our sins caused without Jesus Christ and the grace that comes from His atonement.

    So, what about porn? How can I practice restitution if I’m not really hurting anybody except myself? This is a DEEP question and I’d much rather sit down and talk with you about it. I’ll try to answer though. First off, you are hurting others. Porn does have an effect on your brain. It rewrites pathways and changes the way you see other people. Porn damages your heart- it hurts all relationships in your life and pushes you to isolate yourself. Restitution would look like seeking to correct all the damage that porn has done to you and building and repairing relationships with other people- doing the opposite of what porn tells you to do.

    • Learning how to heal your brain
    • Healing your body through exercise and nutrition
    • Healing your spirit through connection with the savior
    • Respecting women
    • Being a better friend to all
    • Serving your family
    • Becoming a creator of good things instead of a consumer of bad things

    This blog is part of my restitution. Even if nobody ever reads any of this, I know it would still help me in my repentance process. Healing the damage addiction causes in the brain takes years- even longer when relapses are involved. Restitution in addiction recovery is anything that helps repair that damage.

    It would be wonderful if I could just pay a large sum of money like I did for the car- but this sin is a lot more complicated, naturally, the repentance is too. But I’m not alone. Jesus Christ has been there since day one and all the other days before that. You’re not alone either.

    I met with President Larson a month later. I told him I had stayed away from porn since our last meeting. I told him about how our car was divinely towed to teach me about restitution. I explained the peace I felt as I paid my share of the debt. We cried together. I remember him pointing to a picture of the man who paid all debts- Jesus Christ- and asking a surprising and unexpected question-

    “Elder Owens, lets say you get hit by a bus and die, would you feel ready to step into His Prescence?”

    I know I laughed a little bit at the bus part but a quick look at President Larson let me know he wasn’t trying to be funny so I turned and looked at the picture of Jesus in his office. I felt peaceful and knew I was doing the right things and God was pleased with my efforts. Sometimes I ask myself that question, it may be morbid, but if I’m living my life the right way I should always be ready for that bus.

    I hope I don’t get hit by a bus. I also hope I never get my car towed again.